Ok so, this is another English one because though I am getting more and more comfortable writing Dutch posts, English still flows easier. I wanted to give another update on what’s going on with me, like I have done before here and here.
So, how am I doing? Very much up and down. I know you only pretty much see the up, because I’ve become so good at wearing a mask. Although, when I am laughing in my posts or IG-picture, it is more and more because I am genuinly smiling. I have a few amazing friends (you know who you are) who’ve been so supportive and of course my family.
I’m still learning very much how to deal with my fears and anxiety, and it is so difficult. Out of nowhere I’ll start sweating like crazy, and feel like I can’t breathe. I know it’s a panic attack but that doesn’t change the fact that it feels horrible and I can’t just make it disappear. I still spend entire days feeling so sad or nervous, just lying in bed. That’s something that I obviously don’t show you, because who the hell really wants to know? It’s just that people forget to look, really look.
Another reason I’m in bed a lot is my headaches. Migraines and a constant pain that we don’t know what’s really causing it. I’m going to be admitted to the hospital soon, for 5 days, so the new neurologist I’ve been going to can do a shitload of tests. Let’s see where that’s gonna take me.
Ok! On to the second part of the title: Yoga. A few weeks ago, Marianne and me started going to yoga classes. I’ve been wanting to go but never found the courage or strength to go. And I kinda wish I’d started sooner, because I love it. But well, things come into our lives whenever we need them the most?
It’s definitely a challenge, and I am not just talking about the poses. It’s because when you end a class, you do it with Savasana, aka the corpse pose. You do nothing. You lie down and almost ‘force’ your body to relax. Now, if there is one thing my body doesn’t do it’s relax, especially not on command. It’s like a shortcut to an anxiety attack. So every time it’s like a test for me.
I love Vinyasa and Ashtanga, both quite intensive and challenging, and a good way to tire out my body. That way, my mind doesn’t get a chance to wander during class. What I need to learn is to meditate and concentrate and maybe after a while I’ll be able to go at a slower pace without my brain jumping to whatever thought it just thought of. But: I think I am going to learn a lot. And will become a better and hopefully healthier person because of it.
It’s just very difficult dealing with ignorance and disbelief. I look ok, so I must BE ok, don’t I? NO. Don’t friggin’ judge people on looks. And don’t just assume people who have mental issues are faking their pain. I don’t really want anyone thinking of me as being sick, but it feels nice knowing people acknowledge the fact that there’s things going on they don’t necessarily get.
It’s the mental stuff and headaches day after day that are absolutely exhausting. And it’s easy to put up a smile for a picture real quick, but I’m just so tired all the time. Why am I sharing? Not because I want anyone’s pity, but because it should be easier to talk about this stuff. It’s the keeping everything bottled up that gets to a person.
So, there you go. This post got a lot langer than I anticipated, sorry guys! Now you know what’s going on. Expect to see some more posts on yoga, because I’m hooked!
Thanks for reading.
(Pictures with quotes from Pinterest.)